Life, or so I've been told, is like a puzzle. Each event that happens is a different puzzle piece. As you experience each thing, it can be like turning over an up-side down piece, or maybe even putting a piece together with another one. At any rate, it's exciting. Unless, of course, you put a piece on that you only think belongs in that spot. Lately, I've had pretty much all of the above. In fact, I've had to remove a puzzle piece out of my picture. It was a little painful. I figure it must have been like those puzzle pieces that are a really close fit and yet not quite the right one. However, by removing it, God has blessed me with an inner peace that is beyond words. (If you can find out what's wrong with the italicized sentence before I tell you, Congratulations! You get a brownie point!)
Proverbs 18:24 says: 'A man that hath friends must show himself friendly; and there is a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother.' (KJV) And that last half of the verse leads me to the big puzzle piece I was talking about. I am so grateful for how close God sticks with me even when I'm totally off track. And I've definitely been off track.
Have you ever put together a puzzle, found a piece that 'goes together' and kept on trying the piece over and over and over insisting that 'it's got to be the right one' and all along, it's not? The scenario described my life.
You see, when I graduated early, I had all sorts of goals and plans and expectations. I was going to do this, go there, learn that. And really some things were good things to have as goals. You know, 'get involved in a ministry,' 'spend more time in the Word.' I was sure that I could easily pursue my various goals without a problem. And yet, as time passed, absolutely nothing happened, even when I tried. Certain 'leads' for both getting a job and participating in a ministry petered out before they even got started. (These leads are indirectly referred to in Stories of My Life: My Advice. A previous post from this January). I could sort of understand that getting a job might be harder than I had anticipated, but, to my mind, working for a Christian ministry was a worthy goal. I didn't understand why God seemed to be stopping me at every single turn, even the 'good' things.
I became frustrated and took it out, sometimes internally and sometimes externally, on my family, myself, and God. I almost took my frustration out on one of my dear friends. Thankfully, I never got around to finishing and sending the letter.
I eventually ended up having an all-around complaint session with God one night. (Some of the issues that came up are very obscurely mentioned in Fountain of Thoughts: Bread Making. A previous post from last October). I still don't understand it, but that night, God chose to call a truce. I'm sure it wasn't me. All I did was complain and beg not-so-humbly for peace in my life over the issue of 'nothing is happening and it's supposed to be, so why aren't You allowing me to do anything?' I'm pretty sure I even quoted Scripture at God. So why in the world He granted a truce to me is more than I'll ever understand.
There should be an emphasis on 'truce' rather than peace. A truce, by definition, is a 'suspension of hostilities for a specified period of time by mutual agreement of both warring parties.' Peace on the other hand, has two pertinent definitions. 1: 'an agreement between warring parties to end and abstain from further antagonism.' And 2: 'untroubled, tranquil, and content.'
While for the first day or two I thought, wished, and hoped that I had been given peace, I knew deep down that it wasn't peace, but only truce. Sure enough, after a week or two, I blew up; again. Hostilities, at least on my side, were renewed with a vengeance.
Then, I randomly decided that I been reading too much fiction. I abruptly switched to reading non-fiction. I began with George Mueller, (A Day in the Life of: George Mueller. Posted in February.) From there I went on to Hudson Taylor, Borden of Yale, and With Christ in the School of Prayer by Andrew Murray. Each of these books had a common thread in them. Faith, and the giving up of everything for God. I particularly noticed the second part of the thread.
If you'll look back at the beginning of this post, I wrote a sentence in italics. 'I've had to take a puzzle piece out of my picture.' Remember I said there was something wrong with the sentence? It should read, 'God had to take a puzzle piece out of His picture.' As I read those books, I began gradually to realize that my plans and goals were just that; my plans, my goals. I'd been trying to take things into my own hands; I'd been grabbing a puzzle piece out of God's hands and trying to fit it in where it didn't belong. The process of trying to put the piece in where it didn't belong effected not only myself, but also the puzzle pieces around me as my frustration grated on my family and my relationship with God.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I gave up my plans, all of them, even the 'good' ones. I finally realized that those 'good' goals were merely thrown in there in an attempt to be 'righteous.' God had blocked my efforts to become involved in ministry because my motives were not right.
What's the result? I can't get over it. Over the past couple of weeks, God has blessed me with His peace, not just a truce. I'm beginning to realize the truth of the verse that says 'it's a peace that passes all understanding.' I don't understand it. I now feel more 'tranquil, untroubled, and content' than I've ever felt in my entire life. It's...indescribable. Not only that, but just a day or two after, God, out of the blue, sent me a ministry to be involved in. It's not just a random ministry either, in fact, it's exactly the kind of thing I enjoy. I am now responsible for coordinating and gathering together 25 apple pies for the Annual Home School Day at the Capital in Olympia on March 15th. Wow! And I didn't even ask for it! God is so amazing! (If you're interested in making a pie, let me know).
I now have absolutely no clue as to what God wants me to do with the rest of my year and life. But in spite of that, every day I wake up and I can't help but saying, 'Thank you, God.' And, 'Wow, God, You're so...COOL!
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